Why Mallory Hates Ray
by Red Witch
Summary: A question on everyone's mind.


**Once again Mallory did something to the disclaimer telling you that I don't own any Archer characters. This story takes place not long after the events of The Figgis Agency Cooks.**

 **Ever wonder why Mallory seems to really hate Ray? I think there's something more to the story but she won't say anything. And Ray won't say anything. Which leads me to this.**

 **Why Mallory Hates Ray **

"Well that was a complete and total disaster!" Mallory snapped as Lana and Cyril walked into her office the following morning.

Cyril then noticed a blanket and pillow on the couch. "You spent the night here? Why?"

"Because this is where my good scotch is!" Mallory snapped at him.

"Another fight with Ron huh?" Lana sighed.

"Brilliant deduction Nancy Shrew!" Mallory snapped.

"Why didn't you go to a hotel?" Lana asked.

"Why didn't who go to a hotel?" Pam asked as she walked in with Cheryl and Krieger.

"Mallory slept here all night because she had a fight with Ron," Lana said.

"Thank you, Betty Blabbermouth!" Mallory snapped.

"Why didn't you just go to a hotel?" Cheryl asked. "Unless…Ha! HA! You're broke!"

"I am **not** broke!" Mallory protested as she got out some scotch. "I just wanted to drink my good scotch alone! Besides I wanted to beat the traffic for work."

"Why didn't you just kick Ron out of the house?" Pam asked.

"Unless the house is in Ron's name and he technically owns it," Cyril realized.

"SHUT UP!" Mallory shouted.

Cheryl laughed. "Wow, you didn't learn **anything** from the cocaine cartel fiasco, didn't you?"

"Shut up!" Mallory snapped. "This is nothing! I'll talk to Ron later and forgive him."

"How big of you," Lana said sarcastically. "You know Mallory you could have at least called me if you needed a place to stay."

"Lana if I wanted to be woken up in the middle of the night by a hyperactive toddler I'd just room with Carol!" Mallory pointed to Cheryl. "Besides I blame all of you for the disaster that was last night's cooking class from Hell!"

"Well it never would have happened if you let Ray schedule the class instead of Cheryl!" Cyril snapped. "Every single time you put Cheryl in charge of something, she takes the opportunity to cause chaos and disaster!"

"Yeah even I think you should see that coming by now," Cheryl added.

"It's really obvious," Krieger said.

"I know!" Cheryl said.

"You really have problems with Ray, don't you?" Pam asked.

"Shut up," Mallory glared at her.

"It's just that I've noticed whenever you talk about Ray or talk to Ray you seem to have an extra dose of…What's that word?" Pam thought.

"Malice?" Cheryl asked.

"Yeah that's the word," Pam nodded.

"Why do you hate him so much?" Cyril asked. "It can't be just the gay thing."

"Or that you're worried he would sleep with Archer," Lana said. "And that Archer would have a gay moment or something. Because let's face it, that ship sailed a **long time ago**."

"Lucas Troy," Pam added. "His trips to Thailand with those lady boy hookers. The penis touching incident with Conway Stern. Ramon Limon…"

"Who you wanted Archer to sleep with for a honeypot mission!" Lana added.

"That was different!" Mallory snapped. "That was for work."

"It was because you were being blackmailed," Lana added. "With a sex tape."

"You have no problems with your son having sex with a man if it benefits **you,** " Cyril said.

"And you slept with me!" Pam pointed out.

"So?" Mallory gave her a look.

"You do know Pam's a woman, right?" Lana sighed.

"Oh. I forgot," Mallory groaned.

"You **forgot?** " Lana asked.

"Well it's not like it's that easy to remember!" Mallory pointed. "Pam isn't exactly the model of femininity here! Or pretty much anywhere else on this planet for that matter."

"Do you remember the **other women** you've slept with over the years?" Pam quipped. "Because judging by how you were in bed back in Gstaad it seemed that you weren't exactly unfamiliar with the mechanics of…"

"Pam!" Mallory snapped.

"Lesbian sex," Pam added. "You obviously had done lesbian sex before. Seriously you were doing some pretty advanced moves for a beginner so…"

"Yeah I can see that happening," Lana admitted.

"Totally," Cheryl nodded.

"No surprises there," Cyril admitted.

"Shut up!" Mallory snapped. "I just don't want Ms. Prance About being a bad influence on my son!"

"Don't you think you have that **backwards**?" Cheryl snorted.

"I just don't want Miss Gillette to rub off on Sterling!" Mallory snapped.

"Phrasing!" Pam and Cheryl said at the same time.

"On my…" Pam began.

"PAM SHUT UP!" Mallory snapped. "I just don't want Ray to seduce my son!"

"But you have no problem with your son seducing every vagina that comes across his path?" Lana grumbled. "Yeah that's reasonable…"

"Oh come on Ms. Archer!" Pam rolled her eyes. "We all know that Ray would choose Cyril over Archer if he had a choice. Or Krieger."

"That's true," Krieger nodded.

"Yeah I hate to admit it but yes," Cyril groaned.

"How would you know?" Mallory snapped.

"Because he actually **said that** ," Cyril told her. "Quite a few times anyway."

"To everybody," Lana added. "Including Archer."

"Who as I recall," Cheryl added. "Was really upset about that."

"He really was," Pam said. "Especially when Ray picked Cyril over him."

"Boy Archer really hates you, doesn't he?" Cheryl said to Cyril.

"It's not specifically about Cyril," Krieger said. "Archer just can't stand to be passed over. For any reason."

"Don't forget the whole Mountain of Death incident where Archer did sleep naked next to Ray," Lana said. "And he only did it because I made him. And Archer was the one groping Ray who had to fend him off!"

"SHUT UP!" Mallory shouted. "SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!"

"What's going on?" Ray walked in. "Who did what now?"

"More like who you **haven't** done," Pam quipped.

"What?" Ray asked.

"That's it! You lot have your little Princess Robot Bell Fan Club meeting!" Mallory stormed out. "I'm **out** of here!"

"What was all **that** about?" Ray asked.

"We were just trying to figure out why Ms. Archer hates you so much," Pam said.

"Yeah why does Mallory hate you?" Lana asked.

"I thought it was obvious, Lana," Ray raised an eyebrow. "It's because she can't stand anyone who is more desirable to men than she is."

"Ohhhhhh…." Everyone else said as one.

Pam said. "Yeah that would do it."


End file.
